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Just Us And The Land.

I was driving home yesterday, just thinking, as you do. I looked at the beautiful full lush greenery bursting with life, exploding with life. Wales, The Green Green Grass Of Home.

I find so much comfort in the Welsh countryside, I always have done since being little. You can keep your anti depressants thank you Dr, all they did was push my depression to a whole new level. Being at one with nature is the best drug in the world.

“Sertraline” what a drug to come off, dear Lord, it’s been mad. That’s the only word I can think of, MAD.
I’ve never suffered with depression before until last year when my ex narcissist played so many mind games with me, My thoughts spun and circled downwards into a very black place. So when my GP (general practitioner) suggested I try these relatively new drugs I was not in the best frame of mind and didn’t really make a fully informed choice, I just said yes.
Six weeks after starting them I was having even blacker thoughts, I just didn’t want to be here. Anyone who knows me knows that is not me. It may sound crazy but whatever difficulties life throws at me I welcome them, however unpleasant or difficult IE My vaccine damage, MS, Fibromyalgia and all the other nasty things that come from a vaccine that almost killed me. My loss of good health. My ability to hold a verbal conversation without my mind going into shutdown empty mode, as a consequence the loss of my career, my income, my home, my marriage, slowly I lost them all.

When you have everything stripped away you discover who you are, you discover your true nature, your true character, you discover YOU.
I wasn’t surprised to discover I was exactly the same lady I had always been, just a little sadder, a little more perplexed by some of my fellow humans but I was and remain just me.

I feel blessed because I fought back, slowly I fought back. My 18 year old has just left home about 6 weeks ago and I am living alone with my little cat who I’ve had since we rescued her as a kitten 16 years ago. I am living in a town where I know nobody, my aim has been to slowly work my way back to my hometown and now I am only sixteen miles away. This is such a massive blessing because it means I can spend so much time with my lovely Mum. She is a huge inspiration to me, 83 years old in 4 days time, blind, disabled and lives alone. All her life she has had a huge faith in The Lord, a solid unshakable faith, she is the best Mum anyone could ever wish for. She also has the loveliest sense of humour.

So, I have weaned myself off this awful drug, which incidentally when it wasn’t working the doctor doubled my dose and that took me to hell. For the first time in my life I was having these dark awful thoughts and life was black, it was deep, empty dark and black and I knew I had to get off this medication so I slowly weaned myself off it under the guidance of the doc.

That was 7 weeks ago that I swallowed the last tablet and I have mostly kept to myself the hell of coming of this thing. Physically, the withdrawals have been awful, with every slight head or eye movement my brain would get an electric shock, it has almost grounded me. What’s that all about then? Satans punishment for trying to escape from hell?

Well yesterday and again today, no brain zaps so I figure that Sertraline is finally out of my system. I’m thinking rationally and clearly, I have me back again yay 🙂
I’m still sad, no I’m not sad I’m bloody heartbroken about JP, my old ex narcissist but that is another story.

I started writing today about thoughts that came into my mind when driving through the lovely rich lush green countryside yesterday. What if…….
What if everything we have was gone. What if we suddenly found ourselves with nothing but the land, just the land.
No home,
No bricks & mortar or whatever dwelling you live in,
No shelter,
No money,
No food,
No clothes,
No tools,
No man made resources whatsoever.
Just you,
Just I,
Just the land,
No thoughts in our heads about heading home for tea,
No watch,
No clocks,
Nothing.
I’m probably being silly but oh how that sounds so welcoming.
No TV,
No global bad news filling our heads,
No buildings,
No governments,
No Elites,
No Monarchy,
No class system,
No man made noise other than our bodies.
It would force on us real struggles,
The struggle of survival.
Was man really equipped to survive the elements?
We burn in the sun,
We don’t have the right teeth for surviving alone in the wilderness,
It would be a huge struggle
But one that I would swap today for this life as it is.
What has man done to man?
Dear God, you must be breaking your heart.
I long for it to be over. Armageddon, the final battle. Not too far away now I think.
Mother Earth, Mother Nature, she is crying, she is hurting, she is in labour and something has to give soon, humanity is hurting, everything is hurting.
But freedom is on it’s way. Sweet freedom. Freedom from the chains that we are wrapped in.

sorry folks, I’m just rambling today, thinking out loud, but I genuinely believe…..
It’s time to make peace with your maker folks.
God bless, Su x

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